Seemigly Satisfying Salsa
INGREDIENTS
5 tomatoes, peeled and chopped, just like she chopped up your heart; 1/4 cup finely chopped green chiles; 1/4 cup salty, salty tears; 1/2 cup finely chopped celery; 1/4 cup finely chopped green bell pepper; 1 tbsp salt; 1/4 cup finely chopped onion; 1/4 cup oil; 2 tsp of your very soul; 2 tbsp vinegar; 1 tsp mustard seed; 1 tsp cilantro seed, crushed — oh dear God — crushed just like you
DIRECTIONS
Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Cover contents and chill, stirring between bouts of considering your eternal loneliness and beating yourself up over the consequences of your mistakes. Idiot! Stupid, stupid asshole idiot! Serve with corn chips, preferably fresh.
Wholly Inadequate Chef’s Salad
INGREDIENTS
1 head iceberg lettuce, cut into bite-sized pieces, just like she liked it; 10 sliced, trimmed radishes; 3 stalks celery, cut into thin strips, if you stop crying long enough to concentrate; 1 cups grated Swiss cheese; 1 cup dressing of your choosing, if you can make a decision anymore; 3 raw tomatoes, cut into equal wedges; 1 cup cooked, sliced turkey breast; 1 cup cooked, sliced ham; 3 long, wasted years; 5 hard-boiled eggs, cut into quarters
DIRECTIONS
Arrange some of the outer leaves of lettuce around the rim of a large bowl, as if anyone would notice. Put remaining ingredients into bowl and toss. You may arrange the tomato slices underneath the outer lettuce leaves if anyone else was even going to eat this. You could also place the eggs inside the tomato wedges, but she never liked eggs. God, you miss her so much. She was your world! Serves 4 people, like you would ever see that many people gathered at your home at one time again.
My Life is Ruined Chicken Marsala
INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup all-purpose flour to hide the pain from your parents though they can see right through the facade; 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper; 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano; 4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves, pounded 1/4 inch thick, pounded until your knuckles bleed because at least that pain is bearable; 4 tablespoons butter; 4 tablespoons olive oil; 1 teaspoon salt; a lifetime of nothingness; 1/2 cup wine of your choice; 1/4 cup cooking sherry; 2 cups your own ripped-out hair
DIRECTIONS
In a shallow bowl, mix together oregano, flour, salt, pepper and ripped-out hair. Coat chicken pieces in mixture softly, just like you used to touch her when she still let you. In a large skillet, melt butter in oil over medium heat. Place chicken in pan, and lightly brown. Place your hand on the pan if you want. Go ahead, do it. Embrace the agony of it. Turn over chicken pieces, if you have not yet collapsed under the table from the horror of an eternity alone. Pour in wine and sherry. Cover skillet; simmer chicken 10 minutes, until no longer pink or in love with you.
Pity Me Rice Pilaf
INGREDIENTS
1 cup instant rice, because you’re not really good enough for her, so why bother; 1 tablespoon chicken base; 1/2 cup chopped onions, your excuse to cry in front of your roommate, who you haven’t had the balls to talk about this with yet; 1/2 tsp ground pepper; 200 mg ground-up Zoloft; 1 1/2 cups hot water; constant thoughts of the children you’ll never have; 2 tablespoons butter
DIRECTIONS
Sauté onions in butter for about 5 minutes, until as tender as you used to be to her. You bought her a Volvo, remember that? A fucking Volvo! And she didn’t even act all that grateful. Stir rice into mixture, coating all rice with butter. Mix chicken base, Zoloft and pepper with the hot water and pour over rice, then stir. Fidget for a while. Exhaust yourself with aimless activity, like pacing. Once exhausted, take a nap you think will be fairly quick but ends up lasting nearly 13 hours so that you miss work again. Once awake, place mixture in a covered casserole pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 to 30 minutes in the oven you picked out together last month.
Why Did You Abandon Me, Rebecca? Black Forest Cheesecake
INGREDIENTS
1 1/2 cup graham cracker crumbs, torn completely asunder like your whole fucking life; 1/2 cup butter, melted; 2 cups granulated sugar; 1/4 cup cocoa powder, unsweetened and uncared-for; 24 oz cream cheese, softened like she softened you before leaving you to die in the cold; 4 large eggs; 1/2 cup amaretto liqueur; 1 entire bottle of Ouzo for you to down in less than an hour; 1/4 cup cherry juice; 1 cup melted semisweet chocolate; so many bittersweet memories; 1/4 cup sour cream
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Mix thoroughly graham cracker crumbs, butter, cocoa powder and 1/4 cup of sugar. Place in pie pan, covering all parts evenly. Beat cream cheese with electric mixer until fluffy. Remember how she loved cheesecake. You can’t keep doing this. Seriously, why are you doing this to yourself? You’re only making it worse, reminding yourself of her. She’s gone. Chris said yesterday she’s seeing someone else. Oh God! You just — you can’t deal with this anymore. Place head in pre-heated oven for 20 minutes until you realize this isn’t working. Spend the remainder of the afternoon eating Cheetos and watching old episodes of Thundercats.