Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
I’m sure you’re wondering why I called this press conference today, after many years of relative silence. And for a very long time we at the NACoF were content with simply coming into the public eye every year at our annual convention, where we playfully run away from paying attendees who come equipped with their own torches and pitchforks.
But no longer.
We have stood by for the past several years and watched all of our monster friends become media darlings while Frankensteins get little to no attention whatsoever. Vampires? They are literally everywhere. I even heard that in the next “Rambo” film, he will be a vampire. Zombies? Continually gaining a reputation for cultural relevance, while still being considered fun nerd bait. Werewolves? The new shirtless bad-boy heartthrobs.
But where, my friends, do we Frankensteins fit into this new hierarchy? If the book-publishing intelligentsia and Hollywood are to be believed, nowhere. My phone has not been ringing. No invitations have come to my humble encampment deep in the woods where I accidentally murdered my creator’s brother. Meanwhile, all the Draculas I know have spent the past 12 months or so schmoozing at every big-name party there is, laughing it up about their castles and great times on board Russian ships.
But I didn’t come here today, friends, simply to complain or act jealous. No, I’m here to offer solutions. To publicly announce some ideas the NCAoF board of abominations has devised to bring you, the people, more Frankenstein-related entertainments.
First, we propose a series of novels showcasing a teenage Frankenstein romance. A young, popular girl could meet a mysterious Frankenstein who just moved into town. She is instantly mesmerized by his charm and ability to cough gold dust, a little known ability all us Frankensteins have. They have an epic love story that lasts, let’s say, six books or until it becomes unprofitable.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. That’s just “Twilight” again. But you’re missing one very important detail when you say that:
This has Frankensteins.
Our working title for the series is “Thundercrash Diaries.”
Another idea we had was for a series on HBO we’re tentatively titling “Frankenbros.” It’s about four Frankensteins who are bros, who go to wild parties and do crazy stuff and take drugs and are incredibly famous. We think it will break a lot of ground.
Our third proposal is a reality show featuring me, Oberton J. Frankenstein, and my family. We’d hope it would air on a widely available basic-cable channel – preferably not VH1 – under the title, “Fun with the Frankensteins.” You…oh boy… you should see what my son little Obi Junior does when the camera gets on him! He is a hoot. Also, I have four daughters who could be the new Kardashians, if you ask me.
Finally, and this is an idea I myself have been floating around, I really think there’s a market out there for Frankenstein-based pornography. I’ve done some testing, and there’s a surprisingly large group of people out there who would love to see a Frankenstein and his bride make love for the cameras.
I know I love it.
Thank you for your time.